Causes of Grief

When people hear the word grief, they most often think of death. But death is just one kind of loss you may face. Any change is a kind of loss. Even a good change can be a loss. And each loss has to be mourned. Besides death, losses that may cause grief include the following:

• Divorce—even if you want the divorce, it still is a loss.
• Children moving away—"empty-nest" grief is common when children move away for the first time—either to college or to a first apartment—or get married.
• Death of a pet—some people are closer to their pets than most people. Losing a pet can be devastating to everyone in the family.
• Loss of health—people who learn that they have a terminal or chronic illness go through grief.
• Loss of freedom or mobility—you might grieve when you can't do even small things you once could.
• Loss of friendships—people mourn when they lose friends—either due to you or your friends moving away, death, divorce, becoming widowed, or estrangement.
• Loss of a home or possessions—as a result of aging you may need to move into a smaller place, a retirement community, or a nursing home or move in with a family member. Losing a home or possessions due to a flood, fire, or burglary are also losses that may need mourning.

Bereavement 

The process of grieving is called bereavement. Grief does not follow any set rule or order. And there are no rules about how long each phase should last. You may not feel grief all of the time. Grief is more likely to come in waves. Sometimes you will feel saddened by a sight, a sound, a smell, or a place. These things can make you think about your loss or about the person who died. Sometimes you will have strong and painful feelings but won't know why.

Some emotions you may experience include:

• Denial
• Disbelief
• Confusion
• Shock
• Sadness
• Yearning
• Anger
• Humiliation
• Despair
• Guilt

These feelings are normal and common reactions to loss. The intensity of your emotions may ease over time but you may never get over missing the person who died.

Caring for your Grief

Don't hold back your feelings. It is OK to cry. It is OK to be angry. As long as you are moving from one feeling to another, your grief is normal.

Share your memories. They can help you heal from grief. It may help to share memories with a friend or relative who cares.

If you are stuck thinking for weeks and weeks of nothing but your loss, get help to move forward. You may be angry for so long that it gets in the way of your daily life. If you are stuck, join a grief support group or talk with a counselor. Talking with others who have had similar losses sometimes helps. Talking with loved ones who are also mourning the same person you are may not be able to offer support if they are dealing with their own grief. Your family doctor is a good place to start for help finding someone to talk with. You may also want to talk with a member of the clergy.

Take care of your health. Eat a balanced diet. Try to get a good night's sleep. Take time out each day for a walk or other exercise.

Keep in mind that alcohol and sedatives do not truly ease your grief. If you use them, you may end up needing more time to grieve. Alcohol use can also lead to depression. Get help if you need it. It is important to face your loss. To be well emotionally, you need to grieve.

In the first few months after a death of a spouse, don't make any major life changes. For instance, don't move to a new place. Don't sell or give away the things you love. Don't sell your home or move in with your family. Don't have someone move in with you permanently.