Molly’s journey*

As is probably the case with other young people, the eating disorder in my life did not happen overnight. It began as an awareness of food, a worrying about my body size. By the middle of high school, the eating disorder became the focus of my life.

During the period when the eating disorder — primarily anorexia — began, I was in 10th grade. I was playing competitive tennis and also doing tae kwon do, a sport in which “weighing in” was important for matches. I was struggling with depression and some family instability. My parents were divorced, and my brother had moved out of the house, then back in, then left again. Things were not perfect. I was feeling very isolated, and, as the eating disorder advanced, my isolation deepened. But from the outside, to my friends and teachers in high school, no one would have thought anything was really wrong. I was a good student. I was participating in sports.

The feelings of isolation became more pronounced as I moved to the East Coast, where I enrolled in the Rhode Island School of Design. I was alone, but because I seemed to be totally functional — getting good grades, attending classes — everyone assumed I was healthy.

The summer before my junior year in college, I was living back at home in Minnesota. By this time, my eating disorder had reached a level of severity that made it difficult to conceal. I was scheduled to leave for Rome at the end of the summer to study art and architecture for the entire school year. But I knew I would not concentrate on learning or experiencing the culture. I would be too busy working on my eating disorder in complete solitude. Going to Rome, I thought, would get me out of the country. I could be as sick as I wanted to be. I was looking forward to being really ill all by myself in Italy. All of a sudden, I became scared. I realized I had a problem. I had this strong sense of fatality —this strong feeling that if I went to Italy, I would die. The eating disorder would take my life.

* Excerpted from "Journeys – True Stories of hope and recovery from those who have lived through an eating disorder", 2004, published by Methodist Hospital Eating Disorders Institute. Order now.